The Potential Partner Interview

The first time I got into a relationship, I thought life was rosy. Nothing mattered to me and no one meant anything to me except the person I loved. Our love was bigger than the whole world, blah blah blah. I didn't really pay attention to how the family functioned, who was in control of the house, mom or dad? What problems existed in that house? And what traumas did the person I loved carry from their family. I used to think a person has no hand in who their family is or how they behave.

Of course, that was foolish and inexperienced. After years of disgusting relationships and strange people coming into my life, I understood that yes, you're not to blame for who your family is, but whether you like it or not, you carry things from your family. Here you have two options. Either you keep going with your traumas and problems and close your eyes to any improvement you could make in your life. Or you work on yourself and are honest and truthful with yourself so you at least know what you need to improve.

After years of saying to myself "why does this keep happening to me," and after a lot of therapy sessions, journaling, and working on myself. A person came into my life, I felt so comfortable with him, but at the same time I had just come out of getting burned over and over. I thought about it and an idea popped into my head that I'm so grateful I actually went through with.

Most of my problems and the things I worked on in therapy started at home, whether they formed in childhood or later on, the important thing is their root was home. Some of them I resolved, some I didn't. So I decided I never, ever want to be with someone again who doesn't understand himself or know what his problems or life challenges are.

We started getting closer and talking more, and call after call, I liked this person more and more. I told him, look, we're not starting any official relationship until we meet in person. He was living in another country, so we decided to meet in about a month or a bit more.

During those five weeks, I wrote a loooooong, thorough note on my phone with alllll the questions I wanted to know about him. About his personality, his dreams, his life achievements, how he likes to spend his vacation, his childhood and its problems, how his family functioned, whether his parents were together or separated, what traumas he got from them..... etc etc.

I felt kind of silly telling him the first time we met, "I made you a questionnaire," but I explained to him the reason, that I wanted to know him on a deeper level, and for him to know me on a deeper level too. And that was honestly the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Now, after we've been together for two years, every few months I pick two or three questions from the questionnaire and ask him while we're at dinner or out on a date.

So we stay reassured that we understand each other and are really connecting the right way. You too should interview your potential partner, ask questions that show you whether you'll really be compatible or not. Instead of spending energy and effort for nothing.